there's this guy, he's so awesome and amazing,

and he doesn't even know it, that's the crazy thing.

when i'm around him i feel as if i can fly, 

and my heart melts like ice cream on a night in july.

each moment he's away, i miss him incredibly, 

and those times spent together goes by too quickly. 

he never ceases to put a smile across my face. 

with him, i would even "leave this human race."

everything would be alright if he could just look,

into my eyes and see that he's got me shook.  

there's this guy, mine, he can never be. 

there's this guy...who'll never think twice about me.

I can't feel your presence,
No, not anymore.
Sometimes I must remind myself,
Just what I'm fighting for.

I find myself growing weary,
And wondering if you're there.
Reassurance is all I need from you,
Saying that you'll always care.

Loving you is like a crime,
I should be put to death.
Cuz all it does is make me want,
To draw my final breath.

Covered up by a friendship,
A "magnificent" one at that.
As if an actor I live a lie,
My life being one big act.

So why do I still question,
where we stand right now.
Why must I still wonder,
Just what we're all about.

It's clear as a crystal,
That you're not the one for me.
A buddy, a pal, and a friend,
Is what I'll always be.

I really would like to know,
If what I am doing is right.
That our friendship is just that awesome,
And in the end be worth the fight.

Fighting this losing battle,
Is what I inevitably must do.
I can't give up, not quite yet,
I care too damn much about you.

But do I really need to question,
Or are my feelings to blame.
It looks like each time I called you,
You actually seem to have came.

Maybe my vision is clouded,
And maybe you're actually there.
To give you that much credit,
Now only seems to be fair.

I once questioned if you cared about me,
My curiosity you were to fill.
Without a word I am reminded,
You always did and always will.

No update in a long ass time...but nothing much happened...updating doesn't seem as important to me anymore...and im not sure why~ i think my life is at an ultimate high AND low if its at all possible...i mean college life is great and i like having the freedom...but at the same time college is kicking my butt and i hate getting up in the morning...also i have other things stressing me that i dont even want to think about...i'm trying my best to free my mind...maybe everything is for the best and i'll come out on top soon~ but until then let me drown in my sorrows...that reminds me...i need to fill up on ibc tangerine cream soda~ (huong i have like one bottle of it left)...oh yeah yesterday shawanda tried to teach me how to dance so that i could get my first club experience in...but uhhh i have never danced in my whole life...so it was quite an experience...lol...maybe next week...or perhaps the week after that...hehe...but alright...i cant remember anything else...oh i've been bombing my test and quizzes...BLEH...and umm i think i'm going home this weekend...alright i'm out...cant remember anything more...foreal~ i think im going on a memory lapse...i miss fayetteville...or some people there...and all the people elsewhere too...

I seriously can't remember what i did online all the time...I mean back home it was a constant 24/7 deal...i went online when i got home and stayed online until i went to bed...but now that i can constantly be online, i dont know what the deal is...i just dont do much online anymore...and im constantly working to find something that will entertain me for about 20 minutes...bleh i guess im growing up~ or am i? i had to write a paper today about a "lifechanging" experience...but uhhh...i dont think i had one~ so i kinda bulled the whole thing and i hope i dont get a bad grade...but i dont know what to do considering that the paper that my teacher stated was "f" material was at the same writing level as i am...so i'm sitting there thinking...dang im screwed~! but whatever...i dont know how i should feel about this whole charlotte business...but whatever...eck life sux right now~ i dunno why...i should be at an ultimate high with me being in college and everything...but im not...so whatever...ugh~ im going...peace be with you all

ok i erased my whole entry...wtf...
recap cuz im not typing all of that again

friday...ice skating and fight club
yesterday...clue and spades
today...spades

why am i thinking so much these days? i actually thought maybe the whole "out of sight out of mind" was working...i really did...but who the heck was i fooling? I love this boy...no matter what i try to tell myself...there is no way to escape it...and it sux so much cuz i know there isnt much for me to do about it...the question at hand is the same shit that was at hand so much longer ago...everyone tells me what they think, what i should do, what i shouldnt do...but why cant i listen to anyone? why cant i even listen to myself? why does this have to be so confusing? i dont want to like him...i dont want to love him...but why do i? why do i make it so hard for myself? how come i cant change my feelings and make myself do what i want? why are all the things that are coming out of my mouth questions? how come i cant just answer my questions and go on with my life? is the answer to my questions so vividly in my face and im just purposely blocking them out? why am i so blind to see? is there a way for me to get in his brain? his heart? so i know what im dealing with? who am i fooling i know what im dealing with...my feelings that are unrequited by his...thas what im dealing with...but why is it so hard to drop it and let it go? why is it so hard to see my future without him in it when i know that he wont be in it? what is making this so difficult for me...my own stubborness...i wish i could just leave the world im living in...leave my life...but things arent so simple are they...things arent so simple...theyre not simple enough...theyre not...and all i end up with is unanswered questions...

*I Don'T Love You Anymore* ~Travis Tritt

I can't hide the way i feel about you anymore. I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eye, anymore. My tears no longer waiting. My resistance aint that strong. My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone and im tired of pretending i dont love you anymore.

Let me make one last appeal to show you how i feel, about you. Cause there's no one else, i swear, holds a candle anywhere next to you. My heart can't take the beating not having you to hold. A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul. It says i can't keep pretending i dont love you anymore.

I've got to take the chance or let it pass by if i expect to get on with my life.